You are not Russell Crowe

Wipe that smirk off your face, guy. I hate to burst your bubble, but you are not Russell Crowe. I know what you’re thinking. “I never claimed to be Russell Crowe. I know I’m not Russell Crowe. I didn’t think I was smirking.” Yea buddy, tell it to someone who gives an f. The fact remains-YOU ARE NOT RUSSELL CROWE.*

If you can’t take my word for it, let me count the ways in which you are not our finest living actor. You weren’t born in Australia. Boom roasted. (You’re not Michael Scott either btdubs.) You did not play Maximus in The Gladiator. And correct me if I’m wrong, but it wasn’t you who portrayed math genius John Nash in A Beautiful Mind, was it? Sorry sport, that was a rhetorical question. And it wasn’t you who played opposite Leo in A Body of Lies, and it wasn’t you who played opposite Christian Bale in the great but under-appreciated western, “3:10 to Yuma.” Not your day is it, fake Crowe.

So you weren’t born in Australia and you weren’t in Gladiator, A Beautiful Mind, Body of Lies, or 3:10 to Yuma, and if imdb.com is to be believed, Russell Crowe was, so…you see where I’m going with this. And from our last conversation, I gathered that you hadn't even heard of the movie L.A. Confidential. Very odd for one of its co-stars, don't you think? Snap.

*Real Russell Crowe, I know you read my posts religiously. Thank you for your kind note regarding my baby shower post. This is one you should not take literally. You are Russell Crowe. Cheers, mate. Are you not entertained?!?!