We’re all familiar with the story. Andrew Jackson signs the Indian Removal Act, people get upset, and he delivers a patriotic speech: “Oh, are you sad that we’re removing you from your sacred land and forcing you to walk to your new home in the shittiest, driest region of this land mass we claim a superior right to? Cry me a river, I’ll build you a boat.”
So they did. The Indians cried and cried until their tears formed a beautiful raging river westward from the present day southern United States. And even though President Jackson never gave them their boats, they followed this river to their new home, and lived happily ever after…
Until yesterday I believed this American Tale was not only incredibly inspirational, but historically accurate as well. Disturbingly, scientists have just discovered that the path upon which these disenfranchised individuals tread was made of rock and dirt, not tears.
Dr. Steve* (pictured) was willing to concede that they may have formed a small puddle, but certainly no river: “Contrary to popular belief, the Choctaw and Cherokee were forcibly removed to the West via a trail of earth, not a trail of actual tears. Although I’m fairly confident they were crying a lot at the time, it is scientifically improbable that they shed enough tears to create an entire river. I’m willing to bet a lot of those tears didn’t even fall to the ground, but were caught by hands or the back of a sleeve.”
To which Chief Bob* responded, “Anything is possible.”
Protestors outside Science Laboratories* were furious. “I feel like I’ve been lied to for years,” said fourth grade teacher, Mary*. “Trail of tears? More like trail of lies! We just finished that chapter in history class. Now what am I supposed to tell my students?”
This new discovery will surely call for some major re-writes, ranging from textbooks to even the Constitution. The President declined to comment on the issue at this time, but Governors and Senators alike are encouraging everyone to remain calm.
* All names have been changed to protect the identity of those involved.
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