Joe Biden is the New Dick Cheney

Historical analogies are often attenuated at best. So saying that Biden is the new Cheney will engender controversey for sure. Concededly, there are differences between the two. Cheney is a Republican and Biden a Democrat. Cheney favors limited social programs and an expanded security state, while Biden favors allocating more money towards education and health care while scaling back the war effort and closing Gitmo.

Still, their similarities far outweigh their differences. First of all, these men serve very similar roles. Biden, like Cheney under Bush, is next in line to become President. If Bush had become infirm in office, Cheney would have been President. If Obama becomes infirm in office, then we'll have President Biden. Also, Biden will serve as the tie breaker in the Senate. Cheney served as the tie breaking vote in the Senate when Bush was President. These historical similarities cannot be overlooked.

If that's not a big enough coincidence, the two also have similar skills. They both got elected to be Vice President: that means they each made speeches and participated in the same type of vice presidential debates. Biden visits with foreign leaders and diplomats. That's exactly the kind of thing Cheney had been doing for the last eight years.

Whoa! This is getting almost eerie.

And the similarities don't end there. Both have opinions on energy policy, both work at the White House, both have families, etc. As a man wiser than myself once said, "history repeats itself sometimes."

Well it certainly has here. It certainly has here.

Cotton underwear are more comfortable than thongs

"Once you find the right type of thong, you can't even feel you're wearing it." This was once stated to me by a friend, and for a while I believed it. Then I went out and bought a panopoly of thongs. Lace ones, cotton ones; g-strings and ones with a thick band going up my backside; low rise ones, highrise ones. Turns out, my friend was full of shit. Thongs are uncomfortable.

What else could explain why on a day off, when I'm lounging around the house in sweatpants, the last thing I wanna do it put on a piece of butt-floss? For some reason, those comfy (and arguably still cute?) cotton undies always call out to me:

"Ginger...look at us! We're so much more enticing than those slutty thongs. We are not only simple and made from a breathable fabric, but we also done ride up you toosh. Who cares that sometimes we show a line through your pants? Who cares that we don't fully display the curves of your rump as juicily? We've been with you forever practically.

Remember when you were little and we were little flowered undies? And remember those cute little undershirt tank tops that that you used to have that matched us? We've stood by you all these years. Those thongs are just attention-seeking, faddish, masochists. They won't be there for you when you're figure is gone. They won't be there for you when you want to work out! We are steadfast and ever so comfy. Remember where your loyalties lie."

Turns out there are not only comfy, but also pretty persuasive too.

This recession is not good for the working man

I’m just gonna channel Ron Burgundy and throw this out there. If you like it, you can take it, and if you don’t, go ahead and throw it back. This recession is not good for the working man. This was not the conclusion I initially came to when considering this issue, nor did it come easily to me, but it did, and there’s no turning back.

For months, I had been thinking that this recession helped Barack get elected and that was good for the working man, and that gas is cheaper now, so that was good for the working man, and that McDonalds is making lattes now and that was VERY good for the working man, and all of these pluses added up to a pretty convincing argument that the recession was good for the working man.

However, as I began to dig deeper and drink less, I found the dirty little secret-the cloud between the silver-lining. A recession meant that people were getting laid off and that businesses were not in a position to hire, with the result being that a great number of people were out of a job. At first glance, this doesn’t sound that bad. Vacations are great. Seven-day weekends are even better. What you don’t hear, what nobody tells you, is that if people don’t work, they don’t get paid. If they don’t get paid, they can’t buy things like food and clothes for themselves or their families. We can’t have naked starving people running through the streets. Further, some people out of work might have problems making mortgage or rent payments and get kicked out of their place. I’m not sure if you’ve ever tried it, but homelessness blows. So while I considered the arguments of the other side, I eventually came to the conclusion that, because this recession put a huge number of people out of work, and being out of work sucks, this recession sucks.

My three New Year’s Resolutions this year were to join a yoga class, limit my sodium intake, and be more positive than I had been in the past. While I never even made a token attempt to do the first two things, I’ve really tried to stay positive. Unfortunately, circumstances dictate that I write my conscience. It is with a heavy heart that I declare that this recession is not good for the working man.

When a woman says you look like Verne Lundquist, she does NOT mean it as a compliment

If you’re like me, you probably like the idea of women thinking you look like television personalities. After all, guys on tv are more attractive than the rest of us. At least that’s what I thought until my world was rocked by a close-up of announcer Verne Lundquist in HD during the NCAA Tournament.



Look, I don’t mean to take shots at Verne, who has a voice so beautiful it could put a child to sleep. But let's call a spade a spade. He’s not an attractive guy. So I don’t mean to burst your bubble, but if your lady or any lady says you bear a resemblance to Verne Lundquist, she does not mean it as a compliment. Sorry, friend.

E-mail is the new mail

Think about it. You have to send someone something written. You have two options. One is email, the new mail. The other is mail, the old mail. You need it to get there fast. Some people say email is faster. Some people think mail is faster. I want to bust the myth that mail is faster.

Using mail, the old mail: it's pretty slow. You have to get out a pen and get out an envelope and a stamp and paper. You have to write a letter with a pen. The pen could run out of ink and the only spell check is mental. Then you have to fold the letter and lick the stamp and close the envelope and send off the letter on an airplane or with the Pony Express or whatever the fuck.

Using email, the new mail, on the other hand: you just type that shit out and send it. Easy as pie.

I'm not saying slow is always bad (see my later post - Premature Ejaculation: Not a Turn-on). But when you send something, you want the fastest way. Email, my friends, is the fastest way.

The week of my period is not the best week of my month

The other day, as I was laying in bed with a burning sensation in my lower abdomen, I came to a realization - I don't enjoy getting my period. I totally disagree with those people who claim that period week is the best week of the month. Let me try to explain why.

First, there's the aforementioned pain. At best that knotty-burning sensation annoys me; at worst, it makes me feel like I want to puke whenever I stand up. Its just not as exhilarating feeling that way as I once thought it was.

Next, there's the products you have to use to cope. I used to think it was cool to stick a wad of cotton up you hoo-ha or to have a mini diaper-like pad stuck to your underwear. But, as it turns out, that fun wears off.

Finally, there's the activities you have to forgo. Your period causes you to have to miss out on some pretty important things. Forget swimming with sharks. Don't even think about wearing those stylish white pants you just bought.

Ladies, I know this may come as a shock to most of you, but I'm pretty sure having your period is a burden. It's almost so burdensome, that if I didn't know any better, I'd think it was a punishment from God.

Keep it on grass: why baseball shouldn’t be played on cement or water

I sense that some people think that Major League Baseball needs to develop another surface other than grass and Astroturf on which to play baseball. My sixth sense tells me that these people have narrowed their list of acceptable surfaces to cement and water.
Baseball purists have been arguing for cement for years, pointing out that kids grew up playing the game on the school blacktop-the way God and Abner Doubleday intended. Just last week, George Will, a political pundit and baseball geek, argued that, “baseball should either be played on cement or in a tent, and I’m kidding about the tent.” While voices such as Will’s have been heard loud and clear by the powers that be, the pro-water camp has been gaining steam due to the persistence of PETA, who has been pushing for an all-dolphin team since the late 1980’s.
Let me just say, WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE THINKING!
I know I’m just a blogger, but I think we should play baseball on grass. It’s soft enough so the players don’t get hurt but firm enough to prevent them from sinking to the bottom of a pool. Cement would be a terribly unforgiving surface on the players’ bodies and playing on it would bring a multitude of injuries, and water would bring…can I just say that playing baseball on water is just absurd. I really don’t even know how to begin arguing against such a ridiculous premise.
Keep baseball on grass. C’mon guys. Use your heads.

Methadone is my Anti-Drug

Sometimes exercise and painting don't help me with my heroin addiction. That's why methadone is my anti-drug.

According to the Office of National Drug Control Policy:

"Methadone is a rigorously well-tested medication that is safe and efficacious for the treatment of narcotic withdrawal and dependence. For more than 30 years this synthetic narcotic has been used to treat [heroin] addiction. Heroin releases an excess of dopamine in the body and causes users to need an opiate continuously occupying the opioid receptor in the brain. Methadone occupies this receptor and is the stabilizing factor that permits addicts on methadone to change their behavior and to discontinue heroin use."

Some people work for a living

To be honest, I have to give my dad credit for this breakthrough. Several times a week for years and years he has reminded my sister, my brother, and I that some people do in fact work for a living. The power of his message is enhanced by its versatility. It can and has been used in a multitude of situations.*

“Hey dad, you want to go grab lunch and hit a movie tomorrow?”
“Sorry, Steve, some people work for a living.”
“Oh great point. I hadn’t thought of that. Maybe next time.”

“Hey dad, have you seen my computer?”
“Hilarious, Mary. Some people work for a living.”
“Wait what? How does that apply?”

“Dad, do some people for work for a living?”
“You know Joe, some people work…wait what did you ask?”
“Ahhhhhhhh.”

I poke fun at my dad, but he’s right. Some people do work for a living. Some work construction. Some are teachers. Some work in tech support. The list goes on. There are literally dozens of occupations. Never should have doubted you, dad.




*In the spirit of full disclosure, my dad has said this maybe three times in the past few years and I choose to beat this joke into the ground.

I Will Never be an Astronaut

My childhood dream is to become an astronaught, but I'm coming to terms with the fact that I don't think its going to happen. First of all, I'm not very good at science. I have never taken a physics class, and I got a B in Astronomy in college. Also, I really don't like science or physics, and I think astronuts do a lot with that stuff. Plus, I'm in law school right now, and there is apparently no such job as a lawstronaut, so my hybrid plan isn't going to work. Another thing is that I have this weird mix of claustrophobia and agorophobia which would make it really hard for me to launch into space in a space shuttle. Plus, I don't know how to spell astronot. I don't get any real hits when I google "astronot school." I guess I'll have to go with my backup plan of being a pirate-fireman.

FDR wasn’t that great of an athlete

Like many children in my family, I grew up hearing stories of Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s athletic prowess. For every FDR story grandpa would tell about the New Deal or WWII, he’d tell two about FDR competing in the 1936 Berlin Olympics. I remember being awe-struck as grandpa told me of our president’s win over Jesse Owens in the 200 meter dash and his win over Max Schmeling in the steeplechase. This was our president-getting gold medals while in office! Grandpa also said FDR could clean and jerk a refrigerator, though he admitted this was just a rumor that could only be verified by one living person-Antonin Scalia. Gramps said Scalia wasn’t talking, but that he believed the story anyway.

I couldn’t believe that one of the best presidents our country has ever known was also one of our better athletes. I literally had a hard time believing it. So when I became old enough, I went to our local library and checked out a book on FDR. Upon reading it, I came to a conclusion that shook me to the core. It turns out FDR didn’t even compete in the ’36 Olympics let alone win two gold medals. In fact, he spent most of his adult life in a wheelchair. He could barely walk. So while FDR rightfully takes his place in any discussion of the best presidents in United States history, he really wasn’t that great of an athlete.

I Feel Warmer in My Winter Coat

Imagine two people, Person A and Person B. Person A is walking to his car on a winter afternoon wearing a t-shirt and jeans. Person B is also walking to his car on a winter afternoon wearing a t-shirt and jeans. However, Person B is wearing a winter coat. Which man is warmer? If you were to ask 100 people, some would say A, some would say B, and some would just come clean and say they didn't know. The answer, and this may surprise the powers that be, is that Person B, the man with the winter coat, is warmer.
How can I say this which such certainty? I am the man in both scenarios. I am Person A and Person B!!! About three weeks ago, I went outside to grab something out of my car, which was parked out on the street. I had a grey t-shirt and blue jeans on but no coat. I was really cold. I grabbed what I needed and hurried back inside. No more than a half hour later, it was time for me to head to school for class. This time I grabbed my winter coat on my way out and put it on. I was much warmer this time. I'm no scientist, but the coat must have been the reason.
Look I'm not trying to shock anybody here, and if you want to keep living your life, eating Frosted Flakes and driving your Dodge Stratus, feel free to ignore my posts. Stay in your little bubble if you must. I just want to pass on what I've learned, and I really do feel warmer in my winter coat.