Hey kids-Put down the guns and read a book

(Adults, please bear with me. This post is geared toward the adolescent gang banger, who, believe it or not, has been a targeted demographic of ours since day one.)

Hey kids, how’s it going? It sure is a beautiful day today. Did you see the Final 4 last weekend? Crazy, huh? My name is Steve, and I’m writing today to discuss your futures and the options you have. Before you think I’m a pedophile or some freak who takes an interest in children in general, take one step back. I don’t care about you per se. I just don’t want you guys to kill me or my kids some day. So put down the gun and read a book.

I was once like you. Lost. Angry. Armed. There was a time when, if anybody said boo to me, I’d shoot them in the face. We’ve all been there. It’s really nothing to be ashamed of. What’s done is done. What you can control, what we all can control, is tomorrow, and the rest of our days. So let’s turn the page…literally. Put down your gun and read a fucking book. It will change your life.

I’m sure you’re wondering, “how will this work?” Well it’s simple. Instead of living a life of crime out on the streets, you should become a literary scholar instead. Can’t quite picture it? Let me take you through an average week in my program and show you the differences between guns and books.

Imagine it’s Sunday. What do you usually do on a Sunday? If you’re like I was, Sunday was for sobering up, burying the bodies, and getting a new stash of the good stuff to sell during the week. Pretty busy and stressful day. Digging sucks. Anywho, imagine that instead of doing all that, you’re curled up on a couch in Borders reading Pride and Prejudice. All your worries wash away. You start thinking about love. You cry maybe, but in a good way.

OK fast forward to Monday and Tuesday. Shitty days for a gang banger. Robbing liquor stores and holding your turf on the corners, running from cops and making sure people pay up. Shit is hard, man. Now imagine you and a female companion reading Romeo and Juliet by candle light. You could easily make it through the play in two nights if you acted it out. You might even have time to make sweet love between acts. Just remember to use a condom. You probably have some blood-borne diseases she doesn’t need to know about but does need to be shielded from. After all you’re not an animal. Now look, you’re only three days into the “read a book instead of shoot people” plan and you’re already loving life.

Wednesdays and Thursdays are pretty much identical to Mondays and Tuesdays for gang bangers. I know when I was “bangin’ (that’s what we called it, no big deal), I didn’t even know what day it was half the time. Pick up the shit. Sell the shit. If the boss says push a button on a guy, we push a button on a guy. If the boss wants milk, you ask 1% or 2% and do what he says. It’s a terrible existence. But you don’t do that shit anymore. You’re reading, baby. You start the day by reading to your illegitimate kids. They’re back in your life-hey you’ve cleaned up. Maybe you read some Berenstein Bears or your personal favorite, “Where the Wild Things Are.” You’re starting to feel as if your life has meaning. As the kids drift off to sleep, you pick up the day’s New York Times. You read the Op-Eds first. You like some. You could go without some others. You skim through the articles on the front page. Oooh the president has just given a speech. You learn all about it. You’re getting smarter by leaps and bounds. You go to the crossword. It’s hard as hell, even for non-gang bangers, but you put up a good effort, completely filling in one corner and getting some other words too. Life is fucking good, gang banger. Reading, man. Shit yea. You put down the Times but you’re not done. You hunger for knowledge. You pick up “Stamos: The Autobiography of John Stamos,” read it for a while, and drift off to sleep. Your life is getting better and better.

Now it’s Friday and Saturday-the end of the week. If you were still “bangin,”, these would be particularly dangerous days. Friday and Saturday are your collection days. If guys owe you or your gang money, you go collect. If they don’t have it, well we all know what’s going down. You’ve had some close calls. You’ve had partners not come home from days like this. It’s tragic. BUT it doesn’t have to be this way. Remember, you’re reading now. You’ve started “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.” You are at peace with the world. You are in the moment. You’ve completely changed your life around, and in only one week. Can you imagine what would happen if you did this shit every day. You could do big things.

So take a look. In a book. It’s Reading Rainbow. You can do anything!