I don’t consider myself to be a scaredy cat per se, but there are plenty of things that frighten me. Heights. Salmonella. Bulimics. Driving in icy conditions. Taking a big swig of milk only to find out it’s gone bad. My kids being born retarded. Impotence. The End of Days. Paralysis. And of course, True Love.
You’re probably thinking to yourself, “hey gil, steveness is kind of a pussy. He is afraid of everything.” Not so fast, wise guy. I am not afraid of plenty of things. Couches. Barnes and Noble. My mom. Men who wear hats. Cell phones. Stamps. Diet Coke. (Steve, are you just looking around the room and seeing things and saying you’re not afraid of them? I’m not afraid of Diet Coke! Or lamp!)
One subset of people I am most definitely not afraid of is adults with braces. I really think I could beat up most adult guys who wear braces and I’d have to think most adult women with braces would love to be talked to by any non-braced individual, so they don’t intimidate me either.
Before I get 1,000 emails from the adult braces apologists out there, I’d like to stress the point that I am not anti-adult braces. For those of you adults out there who choose to metalify your mouths, I respect your determination to improve yourself in the face of public ridicule. Just know that when you do take that step, I won’t be afraid of you any more. Chances are, if I see you walking down the street toward me, I’ll just tip my hat, say my hello, and think to myself, “I could probably kick that guy’s ass” or if you’re a woman, I might get past my feelings of inadequacy and let myself think I could get to third base by the 4th date. Not that I’d want to of course. Owwwwwwwww!
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