It Would Be Pretty Easy to Tell Me and Dwight Howard Apart

if we both took our shirts off.

No, I've Never Seen "Platoon". Can we get on with our lives now?

Yes, I know it's the quintessential Vietnam movie. I know it's significantly less nutty than Oliver Stone's other films. And that it was based on his personal experiences as an infantryman during that war. I even know that it's your father's favorite movie because it brought home so many painful memories in a way that validated his long-held feelings and freed him of his guilt and fear. But I'm still not going to spend two hours watching it with you. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not a week from Go Fuck Yourself. So just move on and live live in this new reality.

You're not the first person who has tried to harass me into seeing this movie. My high school art teacher told me that I could never understand the 60s until I saw Platoon. He may be right. But luckily, it's 2009.

Even my mom liked this movie. And she hates on-screen violence. But the realistic portrayals and earthy language of the soldiers made her understand how the war changed her brother, my favorite uncle. Now ask yourself, if hearing that review from my own motherd, didn't send me to Blockbuster, why on earth do you think your constant nattering about how cute Johnny Depp was would?

Every relationship has its up and down days. Love is about compromising. Like when I went to your cousin's bat mitzvah instead of the Wilco show. Or maybe it was Weezer. Whatever. You know, the one my cousin had tickets for last year. Now it's your turn. You get to let go of watching this depressing, agonizing, ripe with bourgeoisie guilt "classic" with your boyfriend.

I know. It's a tragedy. So was the Lisbon Earthquake. But in that case,people eventually shut up about it.

Sonia Sotomayor, Supreme Court Justice, Is a Woman

Today a new Supreme Court Justice was sworn in. And the new Justice is - get this - a woman. That's right: a woman, feminae, mujer.

I was just as surprised as you no doubt are. I, for one, cannot believe the media kept us in the dark for so long. But as of today, the MetroWest Daily News - beacon of Framingham, Mass. and my go-to source for outstanding journalism - reported, "Sotomayor is a woman..." I don't know whether to give MetroWest a hand for its in-depth reporting or shake a finger at Sotomayor for concealing her gender for so long. I suppose I can alternate.

I'm hoping the American public will take this as a cue to keep politicians under closer scrutiny. You never know what they're hiding. Next thing you know, some scandal will reveal that Sotomayor's gay or, worse, Hispanic. That'll be the day!

Prayer is Not the Most Effective Way to Win a Football Game

The other day my pals and I were tossing around the old pig skin and, just before we broke huddle for the second half of our scrimmage, Friend#1 points his index finger toward the sky, nods knowingly, and crosses himself. I dismissed it at the time, but when we were exchanging post-game handshakes with the other side, a bitterness grew inside me. If Friend#1 had just taken that moment of silence to review the play we were running instead of making gestures, he would've been there for the pass and scored the touchdown to seal our victory.

Now, I should be fully honest from the start and disclose that I am an atheist. Despite this bias, I think I can state, unequivocally, that you win more games with skill than prayer. Yes, I'm a firm believer in scoring, for at least two reasons.

First, wasting time praying doesn't guarantee a win: If both sides pray to win, God can't simultaneously grant each side's prayers for victory. And if the number of people praying is weighted by the strength of their faith, then teams should have everyone praying really hard in order to persuade God over the opposing team. Racking up points just seems to be a better way of winning games than prayer. Next time you're playin' some hoops with the gang, feel free to throw in a hail mary or two, but remember that, when it comes down to it, a three-pointer is worth more.

I should not have tried to get to the airport by street canoe

Notice how in the picture, the man moves the canoe by using the paddle to push off the water and propel the boat forward. The difference is, with a street canoe, you don't have any fucking water. You just keep hitting the concrete with your paddle, and its damn near impossible to move.

I know what you're thinking: 'ziek, i know its a little less convenient for you, but think of the environment. Granted, but without someone pushing you, its nearly impossible to move in a street canoe. A compromise might be taking a train or something.

Needless to say, I missed my plane. It took me 2 hours to get to O'hare from the Northern Suburbs: an hour and a half in the street canoe smacking the concrete in front of my house and then half an hour in the cab to the airport.

Contrary to what you've heard, it would NOT be cool if pretzels grew on trees.

If I only had a nickel for everytime one of my friends has said, (often wistfully), "Wouldn't it be cool if pretzels grew on trees?" Your instinct is to say. "Balls yeah!" But no, it would not be cool. It wouldn't be much a problem-especially if they are soft pretzels. But it just wouldn't be that cool. It would be mundane. I mean have you ever really thought "Oh my god. How cool is it that oranges grow on trees?" Or "Wow it's awesome that babies are delivered by Storks." I mean it would just be such a part of the natural world that you would totally take it for granted. Like the lame-ass that you are.

Beethoven. Classic.

Just sitting there looking weird. Same old Ludwig Von.

DON'T invite this guy to your party

His name is Richard Steve Goldberg, and, fyi, he's totes a child molester. Google that shit if you don't believe me.

Quiz: Are You a True Chicagoan?

You may claim to be Chicagoans, but are you really a Chicagoan at heart? Take our quiz and find out!

1. Are you from an area with a zip code between 60606 and 60648? (Y/N)

2. Fill in the blank: The ____ Cubs. The ____ Bears. The _____ Blackhawks. The ______ White Sox. Is the answer the city that you live in? (Y/N)

3. Is your house or apartment somewhere in between Evanston, Lake Michigan, Oak Park, and 135th Street? (Y/N)

4. Ever heard of the Windy City; is that your home? (Y/N)

Results: If you answered yes to any of these questions, congratulations, you are a true Chicagoan!

I am not afraid of adults with braces

I don’t consider myself to be a scaredy cat per se, but there are plenty of things that frighten me. Heights. Salmonella. Bulimics. Driving in icy conditions. Taking a big swig of milk only to find out it’s gone bad. My kids being born retarded. Impotence. The End of Days. Paralysis. And of course, True Love.

You’re probably thinking to yourself, “hey gil, steveness is kind of a pussy. He is afraid of everything.” Not so fast, wise guy. I am not afraid of plenty of things. Couches. Barnes and Noble. My mom. Men who wear hats. Cell phones. Stamps. Diet Coke. (Steve, are you just looking around the room and seeing things and saying you’re not afraid of them? I’m not afraid of Diet Coke! Or lamp!)

One subset of people I am most definitely not afraid of is adults with braces. I really think I could beat up most adult guys who wear braces and I’d have to think most adult women with braces would love to be talked to by any non-braced individual, so they don’t intimidate me either.

Before I get 1,000 emails from the adult braces apologists out there, I’d like to stress the point that I am not anti-adult braces. For those of you adults out there who choose to metalify your mouths, I respect your determination to improve yourself in the face of public ridicule. Just know that when you do take that step, I won’t be afraid of you any more. Chances are, if I see you walking down the street toward me, I’ll just tip my hat, say my hello, and think to myself, “I could probably kick that guy’s ass” or if you’re a woman, I might get past my feelings of inadequacy and let myself think I could get to third base by the 4th date. Not that I’d want to of course. Owwwwwwwww!

As it turns out, a chupacabra is not living in my garage.

For several days, I've been spooked. Whenever I go into my garage, I swear I hear things. Sounds from under my car; a rustling in that pile of junk I've been meaning to sort through; sometimes I even think I can hear heavy breathing. I was certain a chupacabra was living in my garage. But why?

I don't own any pets, nor do I live near a goat farm. I don't even have anytime remotely edible in my garage. So, what would a chupacabra want with me? Then I started to REALLY worry. I mean, when a blood sucking creature has some sort of bone to pick with you, that can be intimidating. Maybe I insulted this particular chupacabra's mother without knowing it? Maybe he's been sent to collect on some old gambling debts of mine? I just don't know. And that's the scary part.

Then today, I was relieved to learn, a chupacabra is not living in my garage. Don't ask me how I know...I just know.

Ladies Beware: A "Trouser Snake" is Not a Real Snake

The title says it all.
I just wanted to warn my fellow females out there that when a man who is really cute and you are interested in invites you back to his place, and you've had a glass of wine, and he offers to show you his trouser snake, and, oh, hey you didn't know he had a pet, so being an animal person, you accept and you expect him to bring out an aquarium or a fish tank or something that would hold a pet snake...well. All you're going to get is weiner.

Kissing a pig might put you at risk for contracting swine flu

This is serious business people. People are throwing around the P-word, vacations are being cancelled, people are dying. Let me be the first to tell you an important way to protect yourself from getting swine flu - don't kiss pigs.

For that matter, you probably shouldn't even hang out with pigs for a while. At least until after this whole thing blows over. That means, for the time being, you better postpone your kiss-a-pig contest, close the piglet section of the petting zoo, and cancel Wednesday night poker.

I'm not pretending that this alone will protect you from getting the swine flu. It won't. But it sure is a good place to start.

In a battle between cars and trucks, I'll go with trucks everytime

The main thing is, that trucks are just much much bigger than cars. In a road battle, that really gives them an edge. A truck can mos def crush a car. A car cannot so easily crush a truck because trucks are much bigger than cars are. Just think about a monster truck rally. Those monster trucks can always crush those much smaller cars. What if there was a roll reversal? I don't think cars, even pretty big cars, could just bowl over monster trucks. I'm not saying that in all instances a moving car would lose to a dormant truck, but that's clearly not the scenario I'm picturing right now.

Look, I'm not knocking cars altogether. Cars are generally faster and more agile than trucks. The problem is, that all this really does is allow cars to prolong the inevitable for a little longer. Cars can dodge the trucks for a while, but in the end, the cars just can't crush the trucks. But the trucks can crush the cars, so they'll win everytime.

You are not Russell Crowe

Wipe that smirk off your face, guy. I hate to burst your bubble, but you are not Russell Crowe. I know what you’re thinking. “I never claimed to be Russell Crowe. I know I’m not Russell Crowe. I didn’t think I was smirking.” Yea buddy, tell it to someone who gives an f. The fact remains-YOU ARE NOT RUSSELL CROWE.*

If you can’t take my word for it, let me count the ways in which you are not our finest living actor. You weren’t born in Australia. Boom roasted. (You’re not Michael Scott either btdubs.) You did not play Maximus in The Gladiator. And correct me if I’m wrong, but it wasn’t you who portrayed math genius John Nash in A Beautiful Mind, was it? Sorry sport, that was a rhetorical question. And it wasn’t you who played opposite Leo in A Body of Lies, and it wasn’t you who played opposite Christian Bale in the great but under-appreciated western, “3:10 to Yuma.” Not your day is it, fake Crowe.

So you weren’t born in Australia and you weren’t in Gladiator, A Beautiful Mind, Body of Lies, or 3:10 to Yuma, and if imdb.com is to be believed, Russell Crowe was, so…you see where I’m going with this. And from our last conversation, I gathered that you hadn't even heard of the movie L.A. Confidential. Very odd for one of its co-stars, don't you think? Snap.

*Real Russell Crowe, I know you read my posts religiously. Thank you for your kind note regarding my baby shower post. This is one you should not take literally. You are Russell Crowe. Cheers, mate. Are you not entertained?!?!

You don't have to pay for this free t-shirt

I know people always say, “prepare for the worst, hope for the best,” but I’m still interested in this Bulls-Celtics series

I am REALLY enjoying the Bulls-Celtics first round playoff series. I hope I'm not telling tales out of school by saying that. Like a mama bear, the last thing I’d want to do is put words in your mouth, but these two teams are really going at it, with the series tied at one game apiece as the teams travel to Chicago Thursday for Game 3.

Remembering the Alamo is one thing, but this is ridiculous. Derrick Rose was spectacular in Game 1, leading the Bulls to an unlikely road victory over the defending champs with 36 points and 11 assists. One is indeed the loneliest number.

A rolling stone gathers no moss, however, and the Celtics came back to win game 2 behind inspired play from Ray Allen. And they put down Asians by constantly pointing out their flaws in the bedroom. As the wise man surely told the centipede, “Hey man, Holy guacamole and Tippecanoe and Tyler too, you can't forget about Ben Gordon. He was also amazing, scoring 42 points to almost lead the Bulls to what would have been a commanding 2-0 series lead.” But hey, there’s a reason God put all of our oil under all that sand in the Middle East. We’re headed into game 3 with the series truly up for grabs! (Speaking of “up for grabs,” has anyone seen that movie, “Harry and the Hendersons” ?)

As excited as I was to watch the first two games, I am equally as excited to see how the rest of the series plays out. I mean cmon, if you can’t spot the sucker at the table in the first 10 minutes, you are the sucker. Will Paul Pierce, who is literally and figuratively his father’s son, step up and atone for that missed free throw at the end of Game 1?. Will Ben Gordon and Derrick Rose be able to summon the energy to put together more incredible performances? I don’t know, but we hear Magnum is going to blow us all away. Will Ray Allen keep playing like Jesus Shuttlesworth and dominate or will he shrink away like he did for Game 1 and the first half of Game 2? Hell what does it matter? We’ll all be dead. Will Ty Thomas and Joakim Noah block every thing in sight in the next few games, leaving the Celtics helpless and settling for jumpers? You can tell an awful lot about a man by the way he shakes your hand. As you can see, I am on the tip of my seat, waiting for a haircut with the popcorn poppin’! Actually, the entire Wood family is hyped up and ready for sushi. Let’ go Bulls!

Turns out, it wasn't that creative to call my intramural basketball team the "Indiana Pacers."

The logo says it all.

When my intramural bball team was trying to think of team name, a lot of ideas got passed around: the "Chicago Bulls," the "Miami Heat," the "California Golden Bears," the "Ohio State Buckeyes," etc. And I was like, look, guys, it's great that we have a lot of ideas, but these just aren't all that original.

"Yeah," they responded collectively, "if you're so creative, why don't you come up with some original fucking team name, prick?!"

"Actually, I have something in mind that you just might like." I could barely hide my smugness.

And then I laid it on them: The Indiana Pacers. No one seemed to have any problem with that, so we officially became the first team ever to be called the Indiana Pacers in the University of Illinois College of Law Intramural Challenge.

But when I got to my computer later, I googled the team name just to make sure it was as original as I thought, and guess what I effing found: http://www.nba.com/pacers/. And guess where they're from? That's right: the Hoosier State, i.e., Indiana.

There already is a team called the Indiana Pacers! There already is a team called the Indiana Pacers! Fuck!

I am really eating my words.

Look at this while we think of something funny

Chazz Michael Michaels IS figure skating.

The Economy is Not Very Strong Right Now

Recent reports indicate that the economy is not very strong right now. Unemployment rates are low, businesses are closing their doors, government deficits are increasing, and other finacial indicators are indicating financially that the economy is not very strong right now based on their indications and finance stuff.

Newspapers nationally and internationally including the New York Times, Sydney Herald, Guardian, Washington Post, LA Times, Boston Herald, and Chicago Tribune have all written articles about the economy. The recurring theme in these articles is that the economy is not very strong right now. I think that if you ask economists what they think, at least 62% of them will say probably say that the economy is not that strong maybe.

People are thinking about ways to make the economy strong again, and they are talking about it. Many newspapers including the Wall Street Journal, Ruetgers, USA Today, Chicago Suntimes, Minneapolis Star, and AP have reported this.

You heard it here first.