It Would Be Pretty Easy to Tell Me and Dwight Howard Apart

if we both took our shirts off.

No, I've Never Seen "Platoon". Can we get on with our lives now?

Yes, I know it's the quintessential Vietnam movie. I know it's significantly less nutty than Oliver Stone's other films. And that it was based on his personal experiences as an infantryman during that war. I even know that it's your father's favorite movie because it brought home so many painful memories in a way that validated his long-held feelings and freed him of his guilt and fear. But I'm still not going to spend two hours watching it with you. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not a week from Go Fuck Yourself. So just move on and live live in this new reality.

You're not the first person who has tried to harass me into seeing this movie. My high school art teacher told me that I could never understand the 60s until I saw Platoon. He may be right. But luckily, it's 2009.

Even my mom liked this movie. And she hates on-screen violence. But the realistic portrayals and earthy language of the soldiers made her understand how the war changed her brother, my favorite uncle. Now ask yourself, if hearing that review from my own motherd, didn't send me to Blockbuster, why on earth do you think your constant nattering about how cute Johnny Depp was would?

Every relationship has its up and down days. Love is about compromising. Like when I went to your cousin's bat mitzvah instead of the Wilco show. Or maybe it was Weezer. Whatever. You know, the one my cousin had tickets for last year. Now it's your turn. You get to let go of watching this depressing, agonizing, ripe with bourgeoisie guilt "classic" with your boyfriend.

I know. It's a tragedy. So was the Lisbon Earthquake. But in that case,people eventually shut up about it.

Sonia Sotomayor, Supreme Court Justice, Is a Woman

Today a new Supreme Court Justice was sworn in. And the new Justice is - get this - a woman. That's right: a woman, feminae, mujer.

I was just as surprised as you no doubt are. I, for one, cannot believe the media kept us in the dark for so long. But as of today, the MetroWest Daily News - beacon of Framingham, Mass. and my go-to source for outstanding journalism - reported, "Sotomayor is a woman..." I don't know whether to give MetroWest a hand for its in-depth reporting or shake a finger at Sotomayor for concealing her gender for so long. I suppose I can alternate.

I'm hoping the American public will take this as a cue to keep politicians under closer scrutiny. You never know what they're hiding. Next thing you know, some scandal will reveal that Sotomayor's gay or, worse, Hispanic. That'll be the day!

Prayer is Not the Most Effective Way to Win a Football Game

The other day my pals and I were tossing around the old pig skin and, just before we broke huddle for the second half of our scrimmage, Friend#1 points his index finger toward the sky, nods knowingly, and crosses himself. I dismissed it at the time, but when we were exchanging post-game handshakes with the other side, a bitterness grew inside me. If Friend#1 had just taken that moment of silence to review the play we were running instead of making gestures, he would've been there for the pass and scored the touchdown to seal our victory.

Now, I should be fully honest from the start and disclose that I am an atheist. Despite this bias, I think I can state, unequivocally, that you win more games with skill than prayer. Yes, I'm a firm believer in scoring, for at least two reasons.

First, wasting time praying doesn't guarantee a win: If both sides pray to win, God can't simultaneously grant each side's prayers for victory. And if the number of people praying is weighted by the strength of their faith, then teams should have everyone praying really hard in order to persuade God over the opposing team. Racking up points just seems to be a better way of winning games than prayer. Next time you're playin' some hoops with the gang, feel free to throw in a hail mary or two, but remember that, when it comes down to it, a three-pointer is worth more.

I should not have tried to get to the airport by street canoe

Notice how in the picture, the man moves the canoe by using the paddle to push off the water and propel the boat forward. The difference is, with a street canoe, you don't have any fucking water. You just keep hitting the concrete with your paddle, and its damn near impossible to move.

I know what you're thinking: 'ziek, i know its a little less convenient for you, but think of the environment. Granted, but without someone pushing you, its nearly impossible to move in a street canoe. A compromise might be taking a train or something.

Needless to say, I missed my plane. It took me 2 hours to get to O'hare from the Northern Suburbs: an hour and a half in the street canoe smacking the concrete in front of my house and then half an hour in the cab to the airport.

Contrary to what you've heard, it would NOT be cool if pretzels grew on trees.

If I only had a nickel for everytime one of my friends has said, (often wistfully), "Wouldn't it be cool if pretzels grew on trees?" Your instinct is to say. "Balls yeah!" But no, it would not be cool. It wouldn't be much a problem-especially if they are soft pretzels. But it just wouldn't be that cool. It would be mundane. I mean have you ever really thought "Oh my god. How cool is it that oranges grow on trees?" Or "Wow it's awesome that babies are delivered by Storks." I mean it would just be such a part of the natural world that you would totally take it for granted. Like the lame-ass that you are.

Beethoven. Classic.

Just sitting there looking weird. Same old Ludwig Von.