Ladies Beware: A "Trouser Snake" is Not a Real Snake

The title says it all.
I just wanted to warn my fellow females out there that when a man who is really cute and you are interested in invites you back to his place, and you've had a glass of wine, and he offers to show you his trouser snake, and, oh, hey you didn't know he had a pet, so being an animal person, you accept and you expect him to bring out an aquarium or a fish tank or something that would hold a pet snake...well. All you're going to get is weiner.

Kissing a pig might put you at risk for contracting swine flu

This is serious business people. People are throwing around the P-word, vacations are being cancelled, people are dying. Let me be the first to tell you an important way to protect yourself from getting swine flu - don't kiss pigs.

For that matter, you probably shouldn't even hang out with pigs for a while. At least until after this whole thing blows over. That means, for the time being, you better postpone your kiss-a-pig contest, close the piglet section of the petting zoo, and cancel Wednesday night poker.

I'm not pretending that this alone will protect you from getting the swine flu. It won't. But it sure is a good place to start.

In a battle between cars and trucks, I'll go with trucks everytime

The main thing is, that trucks are just much much bigger than cars. In a road battle, that really gives them an edge. A truck can mos def crush a car. A car cannot so easily crush a truck because trucks are much bigger than cars are. Just think about a monster truck rally. Those monster trucks can always crush those much smaller cars. What if there was a roll reversal? I don't think cars, even pretty big cars, could just bowl over monster trucks. I'm not saying that in all instances a moving car would lose to a dormant truck, but that's clearly not the scenario I'm picturing right now.

Look, I'm not knocking cars altogether. Cars are generally faster and more agile than trucks. The problem is, that all this really does is allow cars to prolong the inevitable for a little longer. Cars can dodge the trucks for a while, but in the end, the cars just can't crush the trucks. But the trucks can crush the cars, so they'll win everytime.

You are not Russell Crowe

Wipe that smirk off your face, guy. I hate to burst your bubble, but you are not Russell Crowe. I know what you’re thinking. “I never claimed to be Russell Crowe. I know I’m not Russell Crowe. I didn’t think I was smirking.” Yea buddy, tell it to someone who gives an f. The fact remains-YOU ARE NOT RUSSELL CROWE.*

If you can’t take my word for it, let me count the ways in which you are not our finest living actor. You weren’t born in Australia. Boom roasted. (You’re not Michael Scott either btdubs.) You did not play Maximus in The Gladiator. And correct me if I’m wrong, but it wasn’t you who portrayed math genius John Nash in A Beautiful Mind, was it? Sorry sport, that was a rhetorical question. And it wasn’t you who played opposite Leo in A Body of Lies, and it wasn’t you who played opposite Christian Bale in the great but under-appreciated western, “3:10 to Yuma.” Not your day is it, fake Crowe.

So you weren’t born in Australia and you weren’t in Gladiator, A Beautiful Mind, Body of Lies, or 3:10 to Yuma, and if imdb.com is to be believed, Russell Crowe was, so…you see where I’m going with this. And from our last conversation, I gathered that you hadn't even heard of the movie L.A. Confidential. Very odd for one of its co-stars, don't you think? Snap.

*Real Russell Crowe, I know you read my posts religiously. Thank you for your kind note regarding my baby shower post. This is one you should not take literally. You are Russell Crowe. Cheers, mate. Are you not entertained?!?!

You don't have to pay for this free t-shirt

I know people always say, “prepare for the worst, hope for the best,” but I’m still interested in this Bulls-Celtics series

I am REALLY enjoying the Bulls-Celtics first round playoff series. I hope I'm not telling tales out of school by saying that. Like a mama bear, the last thing I’d want to do is put words in your mouth, but these two teams are really going at it, with the series tied at one game apiece as the teams travel to Chicago Thursday for Game 3.

Remembering the Alamo is one thing, but this is ridiculous. Derrick Rose was spectacular in Game 1, leading the Bulls to an unlikely road victory over the defending champs with 36 points and 11 assists. One is indeed the loneliest number.

A rolling stone gathers no moss, however, and the Celtics came back to win game 2 behind inspired play from Ray Allen. And they put down Asians by constantly pointing out their flaws in the bedroom. As the wise man surely told the centipede, “Hey man, Holy guacamole and Tippecanoe and Tyler too, you can't forget about Ben Gordon. He was also amazing, scoring 42 points to almost lead the Bulls to what would have been a commanding 2-0 series lead.” But hey, there’s a reason God put all of our oil under all that sand in the Middle East. We’re headed into game 3 with the series truly up for grabs! (Speaking of “up for grabs,” has anyone seen that movie, “Harry and the Hendersons” ?)

As excited as I was to watch the first two games, I am equally as excited to see how the rest of the series plays out. I mean cmon, if you can’t spot the sucker at the table in the first 10 minutes, you are the sucker. Will Paul Pierce, who is literally and figuratively his father’s son, step up and atone for that missed free throw at the end of Game 1?. Will Ben Gordon and Derrick Rose be able to summon the energy to put together more incredible performances? I don’t know, but we hear Magnum is going to blow us all away. Will Ray Allen keep playing like Jesus Shuttlesworth and dominate or will he shrink away like he did for Game 1 and the first half of Game 2? Hell what does it matter? We’ll all be dead. Will Ty Thomas and Joakim Noah block every thing in sight in the next few games, leaving the Celtics helpless and settling for jumpers? You can tell an awful lot about a man by the way he shakes your hand. As you can see, I am on the tip of my seat, waiting for a haircut with the popcorn poppin’! Actually, the entire Wood family is hyped up and ready for sushi. Let’ go Bulls!

Turns out, it wasn't that creative to call my intramural basketball team the "Indiana Pacers."

The logo says it all.

When my intramural bball team was trying to think of team name, a lot of ideas got passed around: the "Chicago Bulls," the "Miami Heat," the "California Golden Bears," the "Ohio State Buckeyes," etc. And I was like, look, guys, it's great that we have a lot of ideas, but these just aren't all that original.

"Yeah," they responded collectively, "if you're so creative, why don't you come up with some original fucking team name, prick?!"

"Actually, I have something in mind that you just might like." I could barely hide my smugness.

And then I laid it on them: The Indiana Pacers. No one seemed to have any problem with that, so we officially became the first team ever to be called the Indiana Pacers in the University of Illinois College of Law Intramural Challenge.

But when I got to my computer later, I googled the team name just to make sure it was as original as I thought, and guess what I effing found: http://www.nba.com/pacers/. And guess where they're from? That's right: the Hoosier State, i.e., Indiana.

There already is a team called the Indiana Pacers! There already is a team called the Indiana Pacers! Fuck!

I am really eating my words.