Here at Big Breakthroughs we don't mind speaking our mind, no matter how unpopular or controversial our opinions are. Prepare to be educated. This is important stuff we're doing.
Today is the first day of Passover. Passover celebrates the Jews' escape from Egyptian slavery. Because the Jews had to flee Egypt in such a hurry, they didn't have time for their bread to rise. To commemorate this, Jews don't eat any bread during the seven days of Passover.
Breadatarians are people who only eat bread.
Where the f does that leave Jewish Breadatarians? If they eat bread, they violate the rules of Judaism. If they eat anything other then bread, they violate the only rule of being a Breadatarian.
Now, look, I don't mean to come across as insensitive to the complex problems religion often poses for people, but, this is an irreconcilable problem, so i'm just gonna go ahead and say what everybody is thinking: Jewish Breadatarians need to choose sides.
Blindness is a handicap no one should wish upon another person. It makes one’s everyday routines incredibly difficult and awkward. But what makes it even worse is when a blind person refuses to try to mask his handicap. By refusing to cover his empty, soulless eyes, the blindman is shoving his handicap in the more functional face of his neighbor.
One may argue that to avoid eye contact at all times would impose a large personal burden on the blind person and make social interaction awkward. I ask that person: is it not awkward enough already? Anyone who has watched an episode of American Idol this season or even had a simple conversation with someone afflicted with a “wandering eye” knows it’s incredibly difficult to determine where to look. It’s not like the blind guy can look back at you, at least not literally. Have you ever tried to high-five a blind guy? Give him the thumbs up? The middle finger? They just don’t get it. Covering up this infirmity would no doubt make others more willing to interact with a blind person, who would ultimately receive a benefit from being somewhat incorporated into normal society.
I refer you to pictures included herein. At the left is a picture we might characterize as a weird looking guy with dead eyes; at the right, a picture of a really cool dude who is probably a badass musician. Here’s the catch: The pictures are of the same person! I just added some cool shades to a stock photo of blind Idol contestant Scott MacIntyre. The result was overwhelming.
By donning sunglasses or an eye patch, the blind man does society a service by excusing others from having to look at his deformity. So stop being selfish, blindies, and start wearing blinders. (But make sure you have someone whose eyes function pick out a pair to make sure they look good on you. You know, because you can’t see.)
You don't hear people talking about it much, but the weather in Chicago is harsh. Surprisingly, the months of November, December, January, February, and March are not months where many people plan touristy get-aways to Chicago. This is likely due to the little-known fact that Chicago is smack dab in the middle of the jet stream, which deposits cold, windy, and precipitous weather from Canada - a country that is also shockingly known for its cold weather.
Occasionally - very occasionally - you can hear people in Chicago complain about the weather. Its obvious from their lamenting that most people don't know about Chicago's brutality. Otherwise, why would someone move to Windy City? I mean, if people had only KNOWN about the cold winter weather there, they probably would have never moved there in the first place, right? That's why they bitch incessantly, because they are so surprised.
On September 11, 2001, everything changed. The events of that fateful day need not be repeated. We all know what happened. Some of us would like to forget September 11, 2001, but like it or not, we are still living in a post-9/11 world.
Look at any calendar. It's now April 6, 2009. As much as liberals like myself may not like to admit it, September 11, 2001, is a past date and, we are, thus, still in a post-9/11 world. Mayor Guliani was right. Some may argue that, because September comes after April, we are not as of now in a post-9/11 world. Ah, but look at the year. While April precedes September, 2009 follows 2001.
What is even more sombering to acknowledge is that, unless time is cyclical, we will always be in a post-9/11 world. We can never turn back time so that we are living in a year before 2001.
We’re all familiar with the story.Andrew Jackson signs the Indian Removal Act, people get upset, and he delivers a patriotic speech: “Oh, are you sad that we’re removing you from your sacred land and forcing you to walk to your new home in the shittiest, driest region of this land mass we claim a superior right to?Cry me a river, I’ll build you a boat.”
So they did.The Indians cried and cried until their tears formed a beautiful raging river westward from the present day southern United States.And even though President Jackson never gave them their boats, they followed this river to their new home, and lived happily ever after…
Until yesterday I believed this American Tale was not only incredibly inspirational, but historically accurate as well.Disturbingly, scientists have just discovered that the path upon which these disenfranchised individuals tread was made of rock and dirt, not tears.
Dr. Steve* (pictured) was willing to concede that they may have formed a small puddle, but certainly no river: “Contrary to popular belief, the Choctaw and Cherokee were forcibly removed to the West via a trail of earth, not a trail of actual tears.Although I’m fairly confident they were crying a lot at the time, it is scientifically improbable that they shed enough tears to create an entire river.I’m willing to bet a lot of those tears didn’t even fall to the ground, but were caught by hands or the back of a sleeve.”
To which Chief Bob* responded, “Anything is possible.”
Protestors outside Science Laboratories* were furious.“I feel like I’ve been lied to for years,” said fourth grade teacher, Mary*.“Trail of tears?More like trail of lies!We just finished that chapter in history class.Now what am I supposed to tell my students?”
This new discovery will surely call for some major re-writes, ranging from textbooks to even the Constitution.The President declined to comment on the issue at this time, but Governors and Senators alike are encouraging everyone to remain calm.
* All names have been changed to protect the identity of those involved.
